Before reading any further, dear reader, you should know this about me. I am engaged to be married to the most wonderful, supportive, talented man I’ve ever met. This is my first (and hopefully last) marriage. So needless to say, in the months leading up to my wedding, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on the entire concept of marriage and divorce. And I’ve come to the following conclusion:
I don’t understand the concept of divorce at all.
Of course, this doesn’t apply in situations of abuse so please don’t misunderstand me: If you are being abused – be it physically, emotionally, sexually, or all of the above – get out. Get out now. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back. Abuse is no joke and I am not advocating you staying and putting up with it.
But in “less extreme” cases, I simply can’t wrap my mind around the concept of picking up and leaving. I can’t fathom how two people can go from being so madly, passionately in love to “I can’t stand being in the same room with you”.
Rory and I still have quite a bit of time before we tie the knot, but we have been exploring some things that we’d like for our special day, and figuring out how to balance our marriage ceremony to integrate both of our belief systems. So I’ve been reading a LOT (I’m loving Elizabeth Gilbert’s Commitment at the moment), and researching both traditional and creative wedding vows. Let me tell you, those things are no joke. Those promises are serious business. Here’s a sample (I think I like this version the best):
I, (name), take you, (name), to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honour and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.
Um…yeah, those are some pretty serious promises to make to another person. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not a doubt in my mind that I can promise those things to my fiancé and mean them with every ounce of my being. What I’m saying is, I can’t see myself in a place where those promises mean nothing.
Read that again. In my own words, here’s what I’m saying. If, heaven forbid, you fall ill with a deadly disease, I’ll love you; I’ll be right there. If you have a cold, I’ll feed you soup. If you’re the healthy one and I’M sick, I’ll love you then, too, and you’ll love me (and you’d better, ’cause I love soup). If our bills are paid and we live in a gorgeous, modern, top-of-the-line house with brand new cars and the newest gadgets and “toys”, I’ll love you. And if our home sweet home is a hole in the wall barely big enough to house all of my shoes, and we have to take the bus to work, I’ll love you then, too.
But yet, so many just throw in the towel.
“My wife cheated; I’m done.”
“My husband has no idea how to manage money; I can’t do this anymore.”
Or, my personal favourite: “I just don’t love you anymore.”
In my mind: too bad. You made promises. You work through the issue if there is any way at all to do so. Did you know there’s a great big world out there with professionals called marriage counsellors? What do you think they’re there for? To tell all the happy couples what a great job they’re doing and how adorable their kids are?
After reading all of this so far, I suppose this is more of a rant on the divorcer than the divorcee. I know plenty of devoted husbands and wives who have tried desperately to make their marriages work through the toughest of times, but if the other party is not interested, I suppose there’s not much you can do.
I’d love to hear some thoughts, especially from those of you who have gone through a divorce who might feel like telling me where my thought process is so broken…
Until next time…
The Story of Us 